Part one of training is over, and I actually want to be a yoga teacher.

Since the foundations part of teacher training let out, I have let work take over my life.  I journal about work a lot lately because it pretty much is the fabric that I am sporting these days.  This blog is a confession of a workaholic and the ways in which I am still very naive.

I have known since I was small that I was meant to do something big.  I have had my charts and numbers read, I have had inkligs and visions in my deepest moments of meditation, and this idea keeps popping up in my journaling.  Writing is really the only way that I can process intense emotion.  If I try to talk out a tense situation with someone, it is easy for my head to get hot and for me to become defensive.  Writing keeps me organized, objective, and calm.  It is the prep work that I need to do in order to make sense of intense emotional states and tension.

These astrologers, numerologists, and therapists have told me that I have heavy karma.  This karma is not bad, but it is powerful and it comes with great responsibility.  I have been cautioned to be patient with myself, my life, and with others so as not to get frustrated.  I want to make big things happen and I want them to happen right now!  My hyper-focused nature and misplaced passions have led me down paths that I could have avoided.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, but I am beginning to see a pattern that needs to be addressed and changed.

I have a knack for meeting people that are scattered and needy.  I connect with them and pour my entire heart into whatever it is they are doing.  Ideas excite me.  Once I become aligned with something, I honestly believe that I can do whatever it takes to make it successful.  The problem is that I am still learning the ability to discern what situations and what people are good to do this with, and what might end up being a waste of my time or even hurtful.

Yoga has put me in touch with the inner voice that tells me what is right and what may not be the right thing to do.  I have become more patient and stable.  I have found that as I have cultivated these qualities that I seek others that work to bring out these same yogic qualities in themselves.  The past few months have been turbulent.  Friendships that no long serve me have fallen away.  I halfway left one job, halfway gained another, and I am finding that neither may be right for me.  I have no next plan… just my yoga.

Pema Chodron taught me that when life is falling apart, it is an indication that you are doing something right.  I find it a bit alarming that I am not more shaken up about all of the uncertainty.  I am the type of person that always has a five year plan.  If you ask someone to describe me in 5 words, organized or ‘with it’ will most likely be one of them.  This is interesting because these qualities are not as important to me now as they once were.

The truth is, I don’t care to be in a position that is perceived to be powerful; I want to be free to learn and to grow and to practice yoga and ayurveda and to share what I learn with others.  I used to think that power meant being in charge of people and having a large presence.  This is not the case.  Instead, I am finding that I crave feelings of humbleness and gratitude.  I have a need to be truthful and encourage others to do the same.  I don’t want to put on an act anymore.  I don’t want to be the person that can fix all of your problems in the most efficient way.  I don’t want to profit from bossing other people around and taking the best short cut.  This is not me.  This is a condition that taught me how to thrive in a world that isn’t real.

This time in my life is a test of faith.  Can I let the walls crumble while having confidence that a brick isn’t going to hit me in the head?  Everything is already taken care of.  The path will lead me where I am supposed to go.

Put your philosophy where your mouth is.

It seems as if the universe is challenging me to practice what I preach.  My journey to go beyond asana and to spiritual fulfillment and freedom began last winter with The Four Desires by Rod Stryker.  At the time, I was on a self-help book binge, as I was suffering from an identity crisis, lack of creativity, restlessness, and chronic fatigue.  A combination of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and The Four Desires gave me the tools I needed to begin my transformation.  Since the spring, things have been better.  I have been on a steady incline and have noticed many improvements in my physical, emotional, mind, and spiritual states.  However, since I began teacher training, I feel like my practice has plateau.

Teacher training means a way to change my life.  I went to school for specified theater training and have since it unfulfilling in the artha, kama, and dharma aspects of my soul.  I still struggle with the fact that this degree does not give me the respect I feel like I deserve.  Right now, I am an underpaid administrative assistant that requires a high school diploma.  I clean other people’s dishes, make coffee, and smile and absorb others’ frustrations.  Things have gotten easier to bear since I have been working on removing my ego and finding yoga in my work, but there are times where I relapse and wonder what exactly I am going to do with my life.  I feel stuck because, right now, this is the ‘easiest’ and best paid job that I can get that gives me a set schedule.  I am drowning in my student debt bills, and working part time to ‘find myself’ or taking a pay cut is not an option.  I want so badly to be able to finish my training and begin teaching in the Chicago yoga community.  I already want to pursue my 500 hour and train in Ayurveda.  I am so excited about so many things, but I feel stuck.

Before yesterday, I was feeling really great about my life and was actually able to stay in the present moment for more than 10 minutes.  I have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with Zan, I have a good relationship with my parents, I am making enough money to get by, and teacher training has me using my talents and interests toward a deeper and more meaningful cause (yoga).  I am worth a lot more than I have been giving myself credit for. 

The company I work for is doing really well this year.  So well that they have hired a part time receptionist to relive me from the front desk so that I can take on more responsibility.  I have taken on more responsibility.  In fact, I am finding that my days are full and flying by.  I am making lists, getting a lot of pats on the back, and I finally am feeling fulfilled and like I am worth something to this company.  A approached my boss about getting a small increase to reflect the average income of an Administrative Assistant in the city of Chicago.  During our first meeting, we seemed like we are on the same page.  The time is not yet right for a promotion, but that she would look into meeting me half way and giving me the next pay level up in my current position. 

After crying and sleeping off my defeat and feelings of worthlessness, I have come to a realization.  None of this really matters.  The universe is reminding me of what is really important.  When I curiously explore what is going on in my body and sort through my mind with mediation, I find myself bathed in concentration, clarity, and purpose.  Sharing these practices with others comes naturally.  All of my tendencies, skills, and talents as a theater director are aligned to serve a higher purpose- exploring and sharing yoga. Now that I have a taste of this, I can’t go back to hating my daytime job and just going through the motions.  Yoga is everywhere, but sometimes it is difficult to find.

How funny is it that when we are experiencing chitta vrittis (fluctuations of the mind) that pull us under the waves of samskara (behavioral patterns cultivated by karma) and we find it hardest to escape?  This escape is what we need most in order to break out of this wave, come up for air, and keep swimming toward the shore.

Consciously breaking these patterns breaks them down so that the wave is smaller and smaller each time it washes up.  Soon, the wave will disintegrate, and the waters will be still… if only for a moment.  I have to stay strong and stay in the moment.  Many exciting things could be on the horizon, but they could also be a mirage.  If I keep my head in the same place as my heart, I will arrive where I am supposed to be.

Faith and Dogma are mutually exclusive. (what would you name your daughter?)

A lot of people I love quietly read this blog.  They don’t comment, they don’t ask me about it, but I know they read it.  Mom, Dad, I know you are there.  You are either scoffing or smiling.  I love you.

These people that I love may or may not think I am waist up in the deep end.   The chanting and the sanskrit and the non-medical therapies and the little-Ganesha-statue-I-got-so-that-I-have-someone-to-sit-with-me-when-I-chant-AUM can be a little freaky.  People ask me if I am going to convert to Hinduism.

The truth is, I have never been a person of faith.

My upbringing was typical.  I lived in a small house with my mom and my dad and two cats and two dogs.  We ate dinner together every night (porkchops once a week in the summer!), and then we watched Friends or the weekly Disney movie on ABC or some other show until bedtime.  Usually with a bowl of ice cream or some pop corn.

Sometimes we would drive to the park to fly kites, or race go-carts, or go to a campground.  Sometimes I would stay inside and play Nintendo.

My grandfather was a minister for the Methodist church.  He passed when I was 6, but all of my memories of him evoke feelings of kindness, warmth, and gratitude.  He was a man of his word, and everyone in my family looks up to him.  Despite the Methodist church being an integral part of my father’s upbringing, it was never a big part of mine.   We would sometimes go on holidays, or with Nana.  I was going to Sunday school and vacation bible school here and there… but church was more day care than it was a spiritual experience.

Western society is afraid to be spiritual.  Instead, we try to fill the void by putting dogma in place of essence.  Who was it that made it ok to be against the union of a homosexual couple and not ok to enslave your wife?  Politicians use dogma to justify their corporate supported legislation.  In the United States, religion, specifically Protestant Christianity, more specifically, Evangelical Christianity, has fused with hyper-Capitalism and created a monster.   It is much harder to dispute disparity of wealth and past indiscretions (that include but are not limited to money laundering, prostitution, and drug distribution) when they are forgiven by the father, son, and holy spirit.

I am not saying that Christainity is the problem.  There are radicals that are fueled by hyper-interpreted dogma all over the world.  I stick to Christianity because, as an American, it is what I am most influenced by.  Thomas Jefferson pared down the New Testament to include all of Jesus’s ethical teachings.  THIS is what the founding fathers meant by in God we trust.  Do you think Jesus is down with hating others because of the color of their skin, sexual orientation, or god(s) they choose to pray to?  All of these gods and prophets are embodiment of the same philosophies.  All paths lead to the same place.  It is our job as spiritual beings to find our path and discover it as thoroughly as we are able.  Religious texts are an expression of humanity trying to work out what is inherently known in each and every one of us.  The truth is that our divinity cannot be expressed in words.  Do you think that the essence of devotion can be contained in something that was generated by the human mind?

Maybe yoga will ‘convert’ me to Hinduism.  At this point in time, I still don’t see myself aligning with any particular religious institution.  I will say, however, that the study of eastern religions (specifically Hinduism) has blessed me with more freedom, the ability to discern between the real and the unreal, and put me more in touch with myself than ever.  Taking up the path of yoga has given the the ability to understand what really matters in life.   Yes, I am drowning in debt (along with everyone else that just graduated from the ever-more-costly institution of ‘higher education’), yes, I am working at a job that I am overqualified for (but so grateful.  Without it, I would probably would have had to move back home.  Also, the people I work for are full of integrity and drive and I have made some good friendships here.)

I am still working on articulating my dharma (Rod Stryker style!)  This will take years and will keep evolving as I continue to grow and change.  However, I do know one thing.  Communication and leadership come naturally to me.  I am a leader that needs the support of more discerning and patient people (as these are qualities I lack).  I am here to facilitate the shift on consciousness that will allow for humanity to survive.

Today, I challenge you to begin to simplify one thing in your life.  For me, this has been untangling dogma, stereotype, and expectation to find the true essence of what spirituality is for me.  This could be as simple as de-friending 10 people you don’t really know on facebook, cleaning out your closet, or taking a walk instead of turning on the boob tube.  (Did you know that your brain is wired to retain a record of about 100 people?  I know that I don’t know all of my 300 friends on facebook.)

It is our duty to live a life of intention and uncover our purpose.  If life is throwing sticks in the spokes of your wheels, chances are she is trying to tell you something.

Peace to you and all living things,

-Kayla