Since the foundations part of teacher training let out, I have let work take over my life. I journal about work a lot lately because it pretty much is the fabric that I am sporting these days. This blog is a confession of a workaholic and the ways in which I am still very naive.
I have known since I was small that I was meant to do something big. I have had my charts and numbers read, I have had inkligs and visions in my deepest moments of meditation, and this idea keeps popping up in my journaling. Writing is really the only way that I can process intense emotion. If I try to talk out a tense situation with someone, it is easy for my head to get hot and for me to become defensive. Writing keeps me organized, objective, and calm. It is the prep work that I need to do in order to make sense of intense emotional states and tension.
These astrologers, numerologists, and therapists have told me that I have heavy karma. This karma is not bad, but it is powerful and it comes with great responsibility. I have been cautioned to be patient with myself, my life, and with others so as not to get frustrated. I want to make big things happen and I want them to happen right now! My hyper-focused nature and misplaced passions have led me down paths that I could have avoided. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, but I am beginning to see a pattern that needs to be addressed and changed.
I have a knack for meeting people that are scattered and needy. I connect with them and pour my entire heart into whatever it is they are doing. Ideas excite me. Once I become aligned with something, I honestly believe that I can do whatever it takes to make it successful. The problem is that I am still learning the ability to discern what situations and what people are good to do this with, and what might end up being a waste of my time or even hurtful.
Yoga has put me in touch with the inner voice that tells me what is right and what may not be the right thing to do. I have become more patient and stable. I have found that as I have cultivated these qualities that I seek others that work to bring out these same yogic qualities in themselves. The past few months have been turbulent. Friendships that no long serve me have fallen away. I halfway left one job, halfway gained another, and I am finding that neither may be right for me. I have no next plan… just my yoga.
Pema Chodron taught me that when life is falling apart, it is an indication that you are doing something right. I find it a bit alarming that I am not more shaken up about all of the uncertainty. I am the type of person that always has a five year plan. If you ask someone to describe me in 5 words, organized or ‘with it’ will most likely be one of them. This is interesting because these qualities are not as important to me now as they once were.
The truth is, I don’t care to be in a position that is perceived to be powerful; I want to be free to learn and to grow and to practice yoga and ayurveda and to share what I learn with others. I used to think that power meant being in charge of people and having a large presence. This is not the case. Instead, I am finding that I crave feelings of humbleness and gratitude. I have a need to be truthful and encourage others to do the same. I don’t want to put on an act anymore. I don’t want to be the person that can fix all of your problems in the most efficient way. I don’t want to profit from bossing other people around and taking the best short cut. This is not me. This is a condition that taught me how to thrive in a world that isn’t real.
This time in my life is a test of faith. Can I let the walls crumble while having confidence that a brick isn’t going to hit me in the head? Everything is already taken care of. The path will lead me where I am supposed to go.